Three Extremely Questionable Tales from Dingbats Hollow
Being a Mostly Accurate Account of a Lion, a Mouse, a Shepherd Boy, a Grandmother, Several Wolves, and a Disturbing Amount of Municipal Confusion
Dingbats Hollow was the sort of village where everybody knew everybody else, nobody minded their own business, and the town council had once spent six months debating whether a bridge technically required a river.
It did not.
They built it anyway.
The inhabitants of Dingbats Hollow included satyrs, minotaurs, goblins, humans, talking animals, witches, wizards, and one elderly woman named Granny who refused to explain exactly what she was.
Granny lived in a cottage at the edge of the forest.
The forest was officially called the Enchanted Forest.
Nobody remembered who had enchanted it.
Nobody knew what the enchantment actually did.
But there was a brass plaque.
So everyone accepted it.
Among the other residents was Lionel, a lion who considered himself King of the Forest despite there being no monarchy, no election, and several petitions requesting that he stop saying it.
There was also Mortimer Mouse.
Mortimer was six inches tall, wore a waistcoat, and operated a small accounting firm from inside a hollow stump.
Then there was Billy.
Billy was a young satyr employed by the village as Assistant Junior Temporary Shepherd, Third Class.
This was not a prestigious position.
Finally, there was Red.
Her actual name was Mildred Riding Hood.
Nobody called her Mildred.
Red was Granny's granddaughter and was known throughout Dingbats Hollow for wearing an enormous crimson cloak, asking inconvenient questions, and carrying enough food in a wicker basket to provision a small military campaign.
And then there were the wolves.
Unfortunately.
I. THE LION AND THE MOUSE
One Tuesday afternoon, Lionel the Lion was asleep beneath an oak tree.
He had spent the morning doing kingly things.
Mostly roaring.
Mortimer Mouse was returning from lunch when he accidentally ran across Lionel's nose.
Lionel woke with a tremendous roar.
Mortimer flew six feet through the air.
"WHO DARES DISTURB THE KING?"
Mortimer landed in a mushroom.
"Mortimer," he said.
"Mortimer WHO?"
"Mortimer Mouse, Chartered Accountant."
Lionel pinned him beneath one enormous paw.
"I SHALL EAT YOU!"
Mortimer adjusted his spectacles.
"That seems excessive."
"You disturbed my royal slumber!"
"You were sleeping on a public footpath."
"I AM THE KING!"
"According to the county assessor, you're an unemployed carnivore."
Lionel narrowed his eyes.
Mortimer smiled nervously.
"However," said Mortimer, "if you let me go, perhaps someday I can repay your kindness."
Lionel stared at him.
Then Lionel laughed.
He laughed so hard that two squirrels fell out of the tree.
"You? Help ME?"
"It's possible."
"You weigh less than my tongue!"
"That seems medically concerning."
Lionel considered eating him anyway.
But eventually he lifted his paw.
"Go, tiny accountant! I spare you!"
"Thank you."
"REMEMBER THE MERCY OF YOUR KING!"
"I'll put it in the minutes."
Three days later, Lionel was wandering through the forest when he stepped into a hunter's net.
WHOOSH!
The great lion shot twenty feet into the air.
He dangled upside down from a tree.
"HELP!"
Billy the shepherd heard him.
Billy looked up.
"Oh. Hello, Lionel."
"GET ME DOWN!"
"I don't have a ladder."
"FIND SOMEONE!"
Billy ran toward the village.
Five minutes later Mortimer Mouse arrived.
He looked up.
Lionel looked down.
There was a pause.
"Don't say it," Lionel said.
"I wasn't going to."
"You were."
Mortimer climbed the tree and began chewing through the ropes.
It took twenty minutes.
Eventually—
SNAP!
Lionel crashed to the ground.
Mortimer climbed onto his chest.
"You see? Even someone small can help someone powerful."
Lionel sighed.
"Yes."
"And therefore we should never underestimate others."
"Yes."
"And kindness is often repaid."
"YES."
Mortimer smiled.
"Excellent. I'll send you my invoice."
"What?"
"Emergency rope removal. After-hours rate."
Thus Lionel learned two important lessons.
Never underestimate the small.
And always ask whether the mouse is billing hourly.
II. THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF
Billy's job was simple.
Take the village sheep to the meadow.
Watch the sheep.
If wolves appeared, ring the alarm bell.
Billy found this unbearably boring.
The sheep did nothing.
They ate grass.
Then they ate different grass.
Occasionally one looked at Billy as though disappointed in him personally.
So Billy decided to entertain himself.
He rang the alarm bell.
CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
"WOLF!"
The village erupted.
Minotaur constables charged from the police station.
Lionel came roaring from the forest.
Mortimer abandoned a tax return.
Granny appeared carrying a frying pan.
Red arrived with her basket.
The wizard doctor came running in his bathrobe carrying a wand and a medical bag.
Everyone reached the meadow.
There was no wolf.
Billy laughed.
"You should have seen your faces!"
Nobody laughed.
Especially Granny.
She raised the frying pan.
The constables restrained her.
The following afternoon Billy became bored again.
CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
"WOLF!"
Once again the village mobilized.
Lionel arrived first.
Mortimer arrived second.
The minotaurs arrived third.
The wizard doctor accidentally teleported into a pond.
Granny arrived with a larger frying pan.
Again there was no wolf.
Billy collapsed laughing.
Lionel stared at him.
"If you do that again," said Lionel, "I shall personally eat you."
"You're not allowed," said Mortimer.
"Why not?"
"Municipal ordinance."
Lionel hated municipal government.
The following afternoon Billy sat watching the sheep.
Then he heard something behind him.
SNAP.
Billy turned.
A wolf stood at the edge of the meadow.
Billy froze.
The wolf smiled.
"Good afternoon."
Billy screamed.
"WOLF!"
Nobody came.
"WOLF!"
Nothing.
Billy rang the bell.
CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
Back in the village Lionel heard it.
"No."
Mortimer heard it.
"No."
The minotaur constables heard it.
They put a pillow over the bell in the police station.
Granny heard it.
She continued baking.
Red heard it.
She looked toward the forest.
Unlike everyone else, Red knew Billy.
Billy was an idiot.
But he was a very specific kind of idiot.
His fake screams were theatrical.
This scream sounded as though something was actually trying to eat him.
Red grabbed her basket.
"Granny!"
"What?"
"I think Billy actually found a wolf!"
Granny removed a pie from the oven.
"About time."
They hurried toward the meadow.
They found Billy sitting in a tree.
The sheep were scattered everywhere.
And the wolf was standing below him.
Granny stopped.
"You."
The wolf looked at Granny.
"Me?"
"I know you."
The wolf swallowed.
"Oh."
Red looked between them.
"You know this wolf?"
Granny pointed her frying pan.
"That's Wolfgang."
The wolf sighed.
"Hello, Mrs. Hood."
"You ate three of my chickens!"
"Allegedly."
"You left a note!"
"In retrospect, that was unwise."
Lionel and the minotaurs eventually arrived.
Wolfgang was arrested.
Billy climbed down.
"I told the truth!"
"Eventually," said Mortimer.
"Nobody believed me!"
"That's because you repeatedly lied."
Billy thought about this.
"So the lesson is never lie?"
"More specifically," Mortimer said, "if you repeatedly raise false alarms, people stop trusting you."
Billy nodded.
"That makes sense."
There was a pause.
Billy pointed behind them.
"WOLF!"
Everyone spun around.
There was nothing there.
Billy burst out laughing.
Granny hit him with the frying pan.
III. LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Several weeks later Wolfgang escaped from the Dingbats Hollow jail.
This was not particularly difficult.
The minotaurs had accidentally installed the cell door backward.
Wolfgang pushed it open.
He decided to leave town.
Unfortunately, while walking through the forest, he smelled something wonderful.
Pie.
He followed the smell.
Soon he encountered Red.
She was carrying her enormous basket.
Wolfgang stepped onto the path.
"Good morning."
Red stopped.
"You."
"Me."
"You're supposed to be in jail."
"Administrative misunderstanding."
"You escaped."
"That is such an ugly word."
"What word would you use?"
"Departed."
Red stared at him.
Wolfgang smiled.
"Where are you going?"
"Granny's."
"What have you got in the basket?"
"Soup, bread, cake, two pies, sausages, cheese, six biscuits, a bottle of elderberry cordial, and a brick."
Wolfgang blinked.
"A brick?"
"Granny asked for one."
"Why?"
"Nobody asks Granny why."
Wolfgang accepted this.
"Where does Granny live?"
Red pointed.
"Past the crooked oak, across the bridge without a river, second cottage on the left."
Wolfgang smiled.
"Thank you."
Then he disappeared into the trees.
Red watched him go.
"Hmm."
She took another path.
Wolfgang reached Granny's cottage first.
He knocked.
"Who's there?" Granny called.
"Red!"
There was silence.
Then:
"You sound like a forty-year-old male wolf."
Wolfgang cleared his throat.
"I have a cold?"
The door opened.
Granny stood there holding her frying pan.
Wolfgang lunged.
There was a tremendous crash.
Ten minutes later Wolfgang was wearing Granny's nightgown, Granny's bonnet, and Granny's spectacles.
Granny was locked inside the pantry.
Wolfgang climbed into her bed.
Shortly afterward Red entered.
"Hello, Granny."
"HELLO, CHILD."
Red stopped.
Wolfgang smiled.
Red slowly put down her basket.
"Granny?"
"YES?"
"What big ears you have."
"THE BETTER TO HEAR YOU WITH."
"What big eyes you have."
"THE BETTER TO SEE YOU WITH."
"What big teeth you have."
"THE BETTER TO—"
Red raised a finger.
"Before you finish that sentence, I have a question."
Wolfgang paused.
"What?"
"Why are you wearing Granny's nightgown?"
Wolfgang looked down.
"Because I'm Granny."
"No."
"I am."
"You're Wolfgang."
"No."
"You're a wolf."
"That's profiling."
Red sighed.
"Where's Granny?"
Wolfgang leapt from the bed.
"THE BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH!"
Red grabbed the brick from her basket.
Wolfgang stopped.
"Is that the brick?"
"Yes."
There came a tremendous banging from the pantry.
"RED!"
Wolfgang looked toward the pantry.
Red looked toward the pantry.
The front door burst open.
Lionel charged inside.
Behind him came Billy.
Behind Billy came Mortimer.
Behind Mortimer came two minotaur constables.
Behind them came the wizard doctor, who had apparently misunderstood the emergency and brought obstetrical equipment.
Everyone froze.
Wolfgang stood in Granny's nightgown.
Red held a brick.
Lionel was roaring.
Billy was shouting.
The minotaurs attempted to arrest one another.
Mortimer began taking notes.
The wizard asked whether anyone was pregnant.
Then the pantry door exploded outward.
Granny emerged.
Everyone became silent.
She was holding her frying pan.
Wolfgang whispered:
"Oh, no."
Granny hit him.
EPILOGUE
Wolfgang was returned to jail.
The minotaurs turned the cell door around.
Billy was reassigned from shepherding to bridge maintenance.
This made sense because the bridge still had no river.
Mortimer sent Lionel another invoice.
Lionel officially stopped calling himself King of the Forest after discovering that kings were apparently responsible for road maintenance.
Red delivered Granny's groceries.
The brick was used to repair the chimney.
And Granny was appointed Emergency Coordinator for Dingbats Hollow.
Nobody voted against her.
Mostly because she brought the frying pan to the meeting.
As for Wolfgang, he learned several valuable lessons.
Do not eat sheep.
Do not impersonate grandmothers.
Do not underestimate little girls.
And, above all—
Never annoy an elderly woman who owns cast iron cookware.
The residents of Dingbats Hollow agreed that these were excellent morals.
A brass plaque was commissioned.
Unfortunately, they put it on the bridge.
Nobody knows why.