The Human in the Garden

Once there was a satyr who lived with his wife in a pleasant little cottage at the edge of an enchanted forest.

The cottage had a crooked chimney, three windows, four doors, and absolutely no reason for having four doors.

The satyr's name was Barnaby.

One morning Barnaby was sitting at the breakfast table eating a bowl of toasted acorns with goat cheese when he happened to glance through the window.

There was a human in the garden.

Barnaby stopped chewing.

The human was standing among the roses wearing trousers, shoes, a shirt, and a small hat.

Barnaby had seen drawings of humans in old books, of course. Everyone had. Humans were legendary creatures said to have smooth foreheads, tiny ears, only two legs, and absolutely no horns whatsoever.

But nobody actually believed in them.

The human picked a rose.

Then he smelled it.

Barnaby dropped his spoon.

"Good heavens," he whispered. "It's real."

He hurried outside.

"Excuse me," said Barnaby.

The human looked at him.

"Good morning."

Barnaby nearly fainted.

It could talk.

"What are you?" Barnaby asked.

"I'm a human."

Barnaby gasped.

"Would you like some toast?"

"Yes."

Barnaby gave the human a piece of toast.

The human ate it.

Barnaby ran upstairs.

His wife, Petunia, was asleep with her horns stuck through two carefully placed holes in the headboard.

"Petunia! Wake up!"

"No."

"There's a human in the garden!"

Petunia opened one eye.

"What?"

"A human. In our garden."

Petunia sat up.

"Barnaby, humans are mythical creatures."

"I just gave him toast."

"Then you've wasted perfectly good toast on something that doesn't exist."

"He ate it!"

"That proves nothing."

"He spoke to me!"

"Toast occasionally does that."

Barnaby stared at her.

Petunia pulled the blanket over her head.

"Go away."

Barnaby returned to the garden.

The human was now sitting beside the birdbath.

He had removed his shoes and was soaking his feet in it.

"Comfortable?" asked Barnaby.

"Very."

Barnaby examined him carefully.

Two arms.

Two legs.

No tail.

No horns.

Very little body hair.

It was exactly as the ancient drawings described.

"Would you like a boiled egg?" Barnaby asked.

"Certainly."

Barnaby brought him one.

The human ate it.

Then Barnaby brought him another.

The human ate that too.

Then Barnaby brought him a third.

"No thank you," said the human. "I'm watching my cholesterol."

Barnaby's mouth fell open.

The ancient legends had said nothing about cholesterol.

This was an important scientific discovery.

Barnaby ran back upstairs.

"Petunia!"

She threw a pillow at him.

"The human knows about cholesterol!"

Petunia slowly lowered the blanket.

"Barnaby."

"Yes?"

"You are a dingbat."

Barnaby frowned.

"I am not."

"You are a complete dingbat."

"I saw him."

"Humans do not exist."

"He has shoes."

"Lots of things have shoes."

"Name three."

Petunia thought about this.

"Horses."

"They don't wear them like that."

"Centipedes."

"Centipedes don't wear shoes."

"They would if they could afford them."

Barnaby decided there was no point arguing with her.

Petunia, however, had reached a decision.

"If you say one more word about humans, I'm calling Doctor Grimbleshanks."

Barnaby froze.

Everyone knew Doctor Grimbleshanks.

He was the Royal Wizard of Mental Peculiarities.

He wore a purple robe covered with silver moons and carried a wand made from an extremely nervous piece of elm.

Doctor Grimbleshanks specialized in curses, delusions, enchantments, talking furniture, and people who believed things Petunia didn't.

Barnaby shrugged.

"Fine."

He went downstairs.

The human was gone.

Only his footprints remained in the flower bed.

Barnaby smiled.

Then he went into the kitchen and made himself another piece of toast.

Upstairs, Petunia picked up the telephone.

"Operator! Get me Doctor Grimbleshanks!"

A few minutes later the wizard arrived.

He was accompanied by two enormous Minotaur constables.

Constable Angus had a brass badge pinned to his chest.

Constable Fergus had accidentally pinned his badge to Angus.

Neither had noticed.

Petunia rushed outside.

"Thank goodness you're here!"

Doctor Grimbleshanks adjusted his pointed hat.

"What seems to be the trouble?"

"My husband has gone completely dingbats!"

Both Minotaurs gasped.

"Dingbats?" said Angus.

"Completely," said Petunia.

Fergus took out a notebook.

Unfortunately, he was holding it upside down.

"What symptoms?" asked the wizard.

"He says there was a human in our garden!"

The wizard stopped writing.

The Minotaurs looked at each other.

"A human?" said Angus.

"Yes!"

"In the garden?" asked Fergus.

"YES!"

Doctor Grimbleshanks stroked his beard.

"And what did this human look like?"

Petunia waved her arms excitedly.

"Two legs! Two arms! No horns! No tail! Hardly any fur!"

Fergus slowly stepped behind Angus.

Petunia continued.

"It was wearing trousers!"

Doctor Grimbleshanks raised an eyebrow.

"Trousers?"

"And shoes!"

"Good heavens."

"And Barnaby says he fed it toast!"

The wizard looked at the Minotaurs.

The Minotaurs looked at the wizard.

Then all three looked at Petunia.

Petunia smiled triumphantly.

"You see the problem."

"Oh, yes," said Doctor Grimbleshanks.

"We certainly do," said Angus.

"Very serious," said Fergus.

Petunia nodded.

"I knew you'd understand."

Doctor Grimbleshanks gently took out his wand.

"Madam, humans are mythical creatures."

"Exactly!"

"They don't exist."

"Precisely!"

"And yet you have just described one in considerable detail."

Petunia's smile disappeared.

"What?"

"You even know what it was wearing."

"Because Barnaby told me!"

Doctor Grimbleshanks nodded gravely.

"Classic."

"Classic what?"

"Dingbats."

Petunia stared at him.

"I AM NOT DINGBATS!"

Doctor Grimbleshanks looked at Angus.

"Advanced dingbats."

Angus nodded.

"Possibly acute."

Fergus whispered, "What's acute?"

"Less than ninety degrees."

"Ah."

The two Minotaurs approached Petunia.

She backed away.

"Wait just a minute!"

"Don't worry, madam," said Doctor Grimbleshanks. "We're going to take you somewhere quiet."

"I'M PERFECTLY SANE!"

"Of course."

"MY HUSBAND SAW THE HUMAN!"

"Naturally."

"ASK HIM!"

So they did.

Barnaby was sitting peacefully in the kitchen drinking tea when Doctor Grimbleshanks entered.

"Barnaby?"

"Yes?"

"Your wife tells us you saw a human in the garden."

Barnaby slowly put down his teacup.

"A human?"

"Yes."

"In my garden?"

"That is what she claims."

Barnaby looked through the window.

The roses swayed gently in the breeze.

The birdbath was empty.

The footprints were still visible in the flower bed.

Barnaby took a sip of tea.

Then he looked directly at Doctor Grimbleshanks.

"Doctor," he said, "humans are mythical creatures."

There was a long silence.

Doctor Grimbleshanks smiled.

"Quite."

Outside came a tremendous crash.

Then Petunia shouted:

"GET YOUR HOOVES OFF ME!"

Another crash followed.

"MADAM!" yelled Angus.

"THAT'S MY HORN!"

"PUT ME DOWN!"

"FERGUS, GET THE WAGON!"

"I CAN'T!"

"WHY NOT?"

"THE WAGON'S EATING MY NOTEBOOK!"

Barnaby poured himself another cup of tea.

Eventually the wagon departed with Petunia, Doctor Grimbleshanks, both Minotaurs, and—for reasons nobody ever adequately explained—a goose.

Barnaby returned to the garden.

The human was sitting behind the hedge.

"Are they gone?" he asked.

"Yes."

The human stood up.

"Good."

Barnaby handed him another piece of toast.

"Thank you."

The human ate it.

Barnaby considered the strange creature for a moment.

"Tell me," he said. "Are there many humans?"

"Billions."

Barnaby laughed.

"Now who's being ridiculous?"

The human shrugged.

"Fair enough."

And the two of them sat beside the birdbath eating toast until lunchtime.

Moral

Never call someone a dingbat until you're certain the wagon isn't coming for you.